Dear Agatha,
I got to know had started writing again when a friend brought this newspaper to Nigeria.
Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, the bus we were traveling in was not only waylaid by armed robbers, the women, in the bus,including my wife were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture.
Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers mixing with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women in that bus will immediately come to my mind; making it impossible for me to go any further.
This has been on for more than six months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that incident.
She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie; there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs.
I have tired explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time.
I love her so much; actually met her, a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind.
But, I don’t want her out of my life or home. like I said, she is the best wife any man can have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life.
I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed.
Please help me.
Confused Husband.
Dear Confused Husband,
The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your self as the woman, raped in public while her husband stood watching helplessly?
How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanization you suffered in the hands of these robbers?
Also try imagining her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman?
If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife; not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heros in the graveyard: you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you vilify her for being a victim of her gender?
You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort an innocent child that could have helped her recover quickly from that ordeal. You were and is still not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil.
What she needs, isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again, her garment of honour.
Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home rather, you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home.
Your wife needs you, not just as her husband but as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles.
You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret; it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view; made to expose her dignity to other men who like you watched in cowardly silence?
If the truth must be told; it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day; not her. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind.
That she is asking for a divorce, is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for six months without coming near her or offering comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her.
You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women.
It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back into her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage good-bye. Six months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold.
If you are not careful, the next time you will look her way, she will be in the arms of another man; this time not unwilling but with her consent.
Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with? Yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows? Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move, sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them?
Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget. There is no moving on for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you.
By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage.
Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude; it will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home.
Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move but it behooves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident.
You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible.
Good luck.
