Dear Agatha,
I’m in my late 40s while my wife is in her mid-40s. Our marriage is over a decade old and we have always had a very good relationship. She has become more or less my best-friend. I don’t know if this explains why I have been having problems making love with her. The excitement I used to feel whenever I am with her started dwindling after the first five years when we became very close to the extent I divulge my attractions to other women to her. I confess; I never shared this kind of bond I have with my wife, with another person in my life. Our friends and family envy our relationship so much so we termed the ideal couple.
However, in the five years, I have found myself unable to feel the urge to make love to her. At first, I thought I was falling out of love with her but, knowing I have no reason to, I relaxed especially as I couldn’t stay away from her and the children for a long time. Since marrying her, I have had no reason to have an affair with another woman; which is why, my lack of urge to make love to her keeps baffling me. Even when I agree to her demands, my performance never measure up to anything. Naturally, she has kept asking questions, but I have never been able to come up with any logical explanation.
All I have come up with, are weak excuses which even to my own ears, sound barren. Over the years, I also sensed a kind of restlessness in her, but pretended not to notice. In March, last year, I traveled for six weeks and when I came back, she was so over excited that she wanted us to make love that night but, I wasn’t up to it. Since then, I have kept avoiding her attempts at us making love. She has kept wondering why I have been avoiding her and has come up with some postulations of her own; including the possibility of me having an affair. At a point, I didn’t know what to say to her, hence I kept quiet.
The peace in our home has vanished as she became increasingly frustrated at my attitude but there was nothing I could do. Since we always internalize our martial challenges, I guess, she couldn’t tell our friends the challenges we were having. After a while, she stopped asking and I noticed, she became more relaxed and accommodating of my situation. That was when I became suspicious of her movements and decided to monitor her movements.
I was so hurt when I discovered she has started to cheat on me. I couldn’t endure the pains so I confronted her with the information of my findings. She didn’t bother to deny it, and said I was welcome to do whatever I felt was right, that she didn’t care anymore. That I have kept denying her of sex for about five years, and that since coming from my trip, I have completely ignored her existence in my life. That she was ready to face the consequences of her actions. Deep down, I know it’s my fault but how can she do this to our marriage?
Agatha, the funny thing is I badly want my wife and family to remain united. I even want her back in my arms and bed but I can’t get the image of her in the arms of her lover off my mind. I’m so confused please help me as I love her very much.
Papa.
Dear Papa,
Your case is a perfect example of those times I question the things we allow to happen in our homes and relationships. The naked truth is, you pushed your wife into the arms of another man. Whether she is right to have an affair or not, is another matter entirely but, you gave your meat to the hawk. What did you expect her to do, given the fact that you failed to come up with a reasonable explanation as to what was happening to you?
Marriage is a journey of two persons who at every point must constantly tell each other the truth about their feelings. Even though men are not known to experience menopause as women do, some men experience some kinds of emotions that affect their sexual performances that changes their attitudes to sex generally when they approach middle age. While some men feel the urge to sow their wild oats to reassure themselves of their vitality and appeal to younger women; some men have been known to cool off as is in your case.
When it happens, the man needs the help and understanding of his wife to go through this period to avoid causing a dislocation in the home front. You failed to carry your wife along; confide your problem which is the reason she has gone outside to help preserve her sanity since your attitude left her with very little choice. Yes, she stands condemned for going out of her marriage but, what choice did you leave her with? You started out by starving her of regular sex for five years. In her shoes, what would you have done especially as you weren’t coming up with any explicable reasons as to what was wrong with you or showing her any sign that the end was in sight? You said you had one of the most happy marriages and relationships. So if anything happened to you to make you change, you should have told her even if you can’t make sense of it yourself.
Effective communications is required in every relationship to make it work better. No matter how bad a situation is, once the persons involved agree to talk, the problem becomes half solved. Five years were long time to keep your problems to yourself without talking to the woman in your life. If a day of mismanaged issue can cause a lifetime damage to a marriage; you can imagine what five years of you persistently refusing to discuss with this woman you graciously described as your best-friend and confidant has done to your home. Best-friends share secrets; confidants tell each other those things they cannot tell another person.
This is why it would have been easy for you to describe your situation to your wife and demand for her assistance and understanding in getting a remedy for it. Had you done that, she may have suggested you see a psychologist, sex therapist or marriage counselor to properly help you out of the emotions you were going through. She too would have been given some assignments that would have helped you long ago.
Granted that we all get to a point in our lives when sex loses its appeal and mystery but, the magic of sex can be preserved through all these emotional crisis if we allow our partners the full right to come into our lives. You unwisely locked out the only person whose help you needed to pull you out of whatever mood you were going through. You failed to realise that whatever affected you, would eventually touch her and your home at the end of the day. You also failed to appreciate that she is not without feelings and the ability to make her decision in the face of the no choice situation you presented her with. Her sex life didn’t have to stop because yours was going through challenges. But she could have pegged it if you thought her important enough to enlist her help until things returned to normal.
You are again at the doorstep of a very important decision making in your marriage; don’t make the mistake of doing it alone. When two becomes one, it is essential they continue to be an item in all areas of their lives to preserve what they have. Sincerely, a lot would depend on how you and your wife are able to paddle the canoe of your sinking marriage. It’s either you go it all alone and end it or you talk as sincerely as possible about the salient issues that have come up in your marriage over the years. It is time for you and your wife to go back to the foundation of your marriage to dig up any distortion in your perfect world. Unless you confess these defects, in your picture perfect, marriage, you will never understand why you couldn’t bring yourself to confess your emotional problems to your wife.
The fact that you recovered fully from your sexual depression at the news of her infidelity means you didn’t even try enough to get out of it while it lasted. Going down memory lane would help you find clues because it took you too long to recover from a condition that shouldn’t have taken such a long time to heal. It is when you are both on the same page that you will be able to discuss and overcome your present challenge. You have to open up to her, to get her to hear, understand and accept where you are coming from. You have to give her a good reason to give up her affair and why the choice you are offering her would make her more happy.
This is important because for her to have made up her mind to have an affair, she must have come to certain conclusions, including accepting whatever comes from her actions like she told you. There is no greater bargain than love which also happens to be the greatest balm for pains and disappointment. If you can both find that love that once brought and kept you two together, you will be able to find a reason to stay married whatever the situation you are going through now. In addition, you must both learn to pray because a marriage needs plenty of it to survive the many challenges that come from time to time.
Good luck.
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