Dear Agatha,
I have been married for three years, but my wife and I do not stay together because I work in Lagos and she stays with my mother in the village.
But the problem now is that my in-laws and my mother are insisting I bring my wife to live with me in Lagos. According to them, she has overstayed with them.
My wife, her family and mine have wrongly come to the conclusion that I don’t want her with me because of other women in my life. In addition, my mother and in-laws say they suspect my wife could be having an affair.
On my part, the reason I left her in the village is because, my salary isn’t much to write home about. I can’t sustain her on what I earn. I figured she would be better cared for staying in the village than bringing her to suffer in Lagos.
Please advise me on how to go about this problem.
Ebuka.
Dear Ebuka,
What precisely is your problem? It can’t be the issue of your salary alone. There is more to why you seem hesitant bringing your wife to stay with you in Lagos, than you are saying. In clear terms what are you afraid of? Why are you unwilling to bring your wife to stay with you? Is it that you don’t feel her absence, don’t have needs for her emotional, physical as well as, spiritual comfort? Don’t you crave for her company at all? How have you coped without her by your side?
In the first instance, why did you marry her; knowing you lacked the capacity to care for a woman on account of your take home pay? Did you marry her to keep your mother company or because you realised the need for a companion, a friend, helper, confidant, supporter and mother of your children?
In addition what is your concept of marriage? As a matter of fact, what do you understand by being married?
For three years, you and the woman you claim to be your wife, have lived apart not because either of you is outside the country, but because you claim your salary isn’t sufficient to cater for a wife? Who then is supposed to care for her if you cannot take care of the woman you call your wife? Your mother who also has her challenges or her people who relinquished their responsibilities the day you married her?
You are being unfair to this woman, your mother and her people. It is either you are in a marriage or out of it.
When you went to pay her bride price, didn’t you know the status of your income and that it can’t accommodate an extra mouth? Even if you were pressured into it getting married by your mother, couldn’t you have explained to her, you lacked the financial resources and wherewithal to fend adequately for yourself let alone, a wife and possibly children?
Did you at any time explain to your mother, that you would abdicate your responsibilities for your wife to her if she continues to insist you marry against your will?
If for three years, she has shouldered the burden of taking care of her, it is only fair you take over from where she has stopped. There is also the issue of the embarrassment she is enduring from inquisitive neighbours over the continuous stay in the village of a woman who is supposed to be married. It can’t have been a tea party for your wife, mother or in-laws to constantly explain her presence in the village. A married woman stays in her husband’s house and not with her mother-in-law.
Sincerely, if she goes ahead to be having an affair, you gave room for the situation to happen. Leaving her at the mercy of village gossips is insensitive as well as selfish.
Your attitude could frustrate any woman into misbehaving because more than your words or assurances, it tells of a man who is uncaring, callous, down right selfish, irresponsible and who doesn’t know what his responsibilities to his young wife are.
She is a young vibrant woman whose needs of her husband’s presence and touch is at its peak. Like every young married woman, she expects the initial months of her marriage to be exciting, be the focus of her husband’s attention and desires, to have complete control of her husband’s affection, to enjoy the bliss of all her fantasies with her dream man; instead what does she get; a cold bed at night and the company of her mother-in-law? That is a nightmare for this young woman.
What you have done to her, is known as matrimonial cruelty and provocation.
Can you honestly say you haven’t been with other women since you got married to her ? For you, is it the case of what is sauce for the gander being poison for the goose? How on earth can you justify your seeming reluctance to live with your wife of three years under the same roof?
If for three years you don’t have any inclination to bring her to live with you, what signals do you think you are transmitting to this woman?
If you must know, this may not be a case of infidelity on her part but, a desperate attempt by your mother and in-laws to make you responsible and alive to your duties to your wife. She has tried to understand, she deserves the honour of being married. Not many young women would tolerate what she has endured. It can’t have been easy for her at all.
If money is the real reason, keeping her away isn’t going to improve the situation. On the contrary, she could be of tremendous help if she is with you . For instance, she could assist your financial base by going into a small-scale business. There are so many businesses or jobs which you may find demeaning as a man, but which she can do.
Besides, you should have discussed your situation with her before now. That you didn’t, isn’t her fault so subjecting her to this emotional turmoil is uncalled for. Instead of debating the fairness of your family’s summons, what you should do urgently, is to go to the village to apologize to her family as well as your Mother and to bring your wife home with you.
Being your wife, she won’t mind the conditions you live in provided she has the opportunity of expressing herself as your wife before the world.
It takes two to build a home. Your wisdom alone as the man cannot carry you through these difficulties, you need her input, which is why God made you a pair.
Marriage doesn’t work on individual efforts alone; it works perfectly when the couple involved pull their wisdoms and ideas together. Don’t lock her out of your life, she has a role to play in helping you to stand firm on your feet. If God thought you could do it alone, He wouldn’t have given you a wife. He would have allowed you to carry the burden alone so don’t carry a burden meant to be shared with your partner.
Already, your Mother and in-laws are disappointed at your conduct, don’t give them more reasons to continue to doubt your credibility as a man. It would be most disastrous if your Mother and in-laws come to the conclusion that you are unreliable. Should this happen, it would be almost impossible for them to continue to convince your wife to stay on in this marriage.
This is why they want you to come and take her to give you the opportunity to mend the cracks you have unwittingly created by your selfishness.
There are men in worst conditions than yours, but who are living happily with their wives. That you can pay for an accommodation, puts you far and above a lot of people.
God created her to be your helpmate. There is no way you can determine how well she would play this role if you continue to keep her in the dark. A woman has the ability and capability to endure any situation once her mind is made up about it. If she fails to support you, it is because your actions have created suspicion within her heart. You need to work on earning her trust all over again because whatever confidence she had in you, may have been compromised by the events of these three years.
Go for your wife, before it is too late. You need her just as she needs you to be happy.
Good luck.
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