Dear Agatha,
A decade ago, I was poor, homeless and certainly not in a position to care for a child. The man who got me pregnant denied being responsible for the pregnancy. I was poor and homeless as I lived in a makeshift abode, under the popular Ojuelegba bridge, in Lagos, Nigeria’s Commercial Capital.
It was no place to stay with a baby. When I fell into labour, I was rushed by good Samaritans to the General Hospital at Randle Avenue, within the vicinity of Ojuelegba bridge. While there, I met and fell in love with a very loving and tender hearted woman, who from gossip by the nurses is childless due to complications of an abortion that went bad. According to them, she eventually lost her home and marriage to another woman. It was not difficult extracting information of her address from the nurses.
After I was discharged, I took my baby to her doorstep very early in the morning before day break, and ran away but not without explaining my reasons in a note to her. I didn’t bother to return to my previous post at Oluelegba. With the little money I made, I ran to Ibadan, in Oyo State, in Nigeria, to begin a new life. As God would have it, things changed for me the moment I got to Ibadan. I not only found love but tremendous success in my business. I am blessed with three other children, two boys and a girl, but my mind keeps going back to my baby, I left on the doorsteps of that childless woman.
Although I haven’t told my husband about my son, I intend to just asI want that child back in my life. There is no day I don’t think about the child. A friend of mine I confided in says I should forget the child. According to her, it would cause problems in my home, but sincerely, I don’t care. I want my child back. I love my other three children, but not enough to make me forget my first fruit in life. Since January this year, I have been having this strong feeling that I should go and take the child. I actually plan to visit the woman. From my findings she is still inthat house with my son who is now in a private secondary school.
What do you think? I have never forgiven myself for what I did.
Layo.
Dear Layo, Fate has a way of dealing with us, bringing us on our knees to face a past we so much desire to forget. It also has the knack of planning our lives in such a way that it weaves the past into our present and future. You are who you are today because of that past. There is no runningaway from it. For the future you plan for yourself to be peaceful, you must settle the past in such a way, it doesn’t destroy all your present efforts.
This is why you must open up about your past to your husband. He represents your present. The issues of your son and husband must be handled with maturity by you for the future to be well placed. You are no longer in a position to take unilateral decisions. You are answerable to this man, so tell him everything about the past, you have kept in the closet of time. Even though you were very wrong not to have told him that part of your life, informed him about the child you had, and abandoned: done make another costly mistake of going to the woman without informing him.
Besides, the child now has another mother so it won’t be easy getting him back. You owe your husband that much. You also have a duty to inform yourthree other children about their elder sibling irrespective of whether he comes home or not. It is to guard against the nasty incident of two siblings going into a relationship later in life. That is the future you have to protect. They must know that somewhere in your past, they have a brother, one you abandoned at the doorsteps of a familiar stranger when things were difficult for you.
I appreciate every concern you have for this child as a mother, butfirst, give this concern, a solid base. This is the point you come out clean to your husband, and later the children about your past, especially what led you, a young girl, to take up residence under the bridge, and also, why you didn’t leave the child with your mother or any family member instead of abandoning the baby to a complete stranger. There are too many missing pieces in your life of which, the neglect of your child is only a part of.
Sit your husband down and relay the entire story of your life. Being truthful is the only way he can understand or appreciate why you dumped your newborn baby at the doorstep of a total stranger. Your action, by whatever standard we judge it, is criminal and condemnable. The fact that you didn’t ditch the baby inside the dustbin doesn’t lessens the gravity of what you did. Certainly, your husband would wonder at your callousness and deception, but would eventually come around, that is, if you have been a reliable partner to him and good mother to the children. The need to safeguard your home before setting out to find your son can not be over-emphasized. This boy needs peace if he is to come to you. It would be pointless bringing him to a home where he would never ever find love or be part of completely.
Don’t forget you have acted irresponsibly once; not getting the consent of your husband fully before setting out will pit your children against each other. The ones at home will feel that you are neglecting them for a child you left a decade ago. In a way, you will be enacting what you did to your first son with your other children. It will be like making the same mistake twice. Go, only if your husband gives his permission. Despite being the biological mother of that child, you forfeited your right to him the very moment you left him at the doorstep of the other woman. If theother woman has acted like you, what child will you be contemplating going back to? She was the one who did all the hard-work; the sleepless nights,changing the dirty diapers, crying with the baby when ill; singing and dancing to imaginary music when the baby is restless.
The baby is more hers now than yours. There is no way she would willingly hand over her son to you simply because you brought that child to life. Besides, you don’t have any legal right to want the child back. Don’t forget you committed a crime against the State by dumping thatchild the way you did. What if a ritualist got to the child before she did? Unless you plan to kill this other woman before her time, don’t consider taking the child away from her.
The best you can do, if you must go, is to see her first. Introduceyourself to her and let her know that you appreciate her care for the boy. Let the decision to introduce you to the child come from her. If she insists on you not meeting the child, go but, plead with her to give you a picture of the child as well as the name he now bears. Explain your reasons to her; you don’t want your children sleeping with each other out of ignorance. Make her understand this fact; thatyou don’t want to take the child away from her, but to ensure you keepthe link between the children active. It is one of the sacrifices youmust make for that decision to abandon the child then.
To do otherwise would make you appear as a very selfish woman, who at every point in her life, puts her interest first, and foremost. Feelings are not what you turn on and off like taps. This child you seek for now has a root and a sense of allegiance to the woman he has grown to love as a mother whereas, you are a stranger to him. Had you gone back almost immediately after you made it in Ibadan, itwould have been a different case, but waiting for a decade? Certain things in life are best left in the cupboard of time. Whether you forgive yourself or not, the fact remains that yourinterest in this drama involving your first son must be played downbecause there are now more people involved in the matter. You decided to leave him, but if he is to come back to you, the opinion, feelings, and consent of others involved must be considered.
Above all, you also need to pray to know the plans of God for you and this child.
Good luck.
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